kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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