I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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