It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You have to summon your inner elephant
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
