Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
