last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
