I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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