you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
