I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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