I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
