You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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