I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
