im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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