I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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