I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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