hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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