sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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