yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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