Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
