Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
