Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
