cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
