I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
