Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
