there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
