Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
