I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
