im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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