sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
