Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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