its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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