I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
