Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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