I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I looked at my own cervix.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
