I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
