Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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