I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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