i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
