I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
