Even the bartender felt bad for me
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
