so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
