I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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