So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
