haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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