I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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