I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Drunk is not a location!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
