I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
