I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
