I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
