On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
