He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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