dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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