she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
