If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
