i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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