Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?