Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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