Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
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I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
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Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch