Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
